How am I REALLY Doing? || TW: miscarriage

We all know that 2020 was not it, and as it turned out, 2021 wasn’t it for me either. Last summer I made a post to share a little more of my personal life after having gone through two very early pregnancy losses. Fast forward a few months, we actually got pregnant a third time in November 2021, but it was quickly confirmed as an ectopic pregnancy that didn’t progress past 4 weeks. The following weeks/months were some of the hardest I think I’ve ever gone through. I thought I knew what I was in for, having previously gone through two early losses, but waiting for my body to return to base level this time around took so much longer. The bleeding dragged on longer than I’d experienced with almost no breaks. The seasonal depression on top of the sadness I was experiencing was nottttt a great combination, but I WILL say a huge difference in my experience this time around was the aftercare I received. Since my previous experience, my local hospital had started an Early Pregnancy Unit (shoutout to my nurse for being absolutely amazing) so I had follow up care until I was safely back down to regular hormone levels. Luckily, we caught it early and I believe my body was naturally resolving the situation on its own, but knowing that ectopic pregnancies can potentially be harmful made this entire time so much more stressful.

Needless to say, Christmas last year was extremely emotional, and as the new year began I was struggling to feel hopeful or excited for any new beginnings 2022 had in store. We began our journey with a fertility clinic in January and after the routine bloodwork and testing, learned that there were no real red flags to give us answers as to why we weren’t having successful pregnancies. Early this year it wasn’t abnormal to spontaneously break down into tears, but as they say, “Time heals all wounds” and I’ve started to finally feel hopeful and excited again instead of scared and defeated. We’re working with the clinic to take a few precautions moving forward and will hopefully be able to begin a new, much more positive chapter in the future.

I wish that fear didn’t exist in our experience starting a family. I’ve spent the last few months feeling absolutely terrified at the prospect of trying again, and potentially going through the same thing all over again. I can’t fully imagine a pregnancy that ends with a baby and a new growing family, but I’m hopeful and ready to move forward with positivity. I’m so thankful for the people who have listened and given me space to feel, validating my experience and feelings because not only has it helped me process, but is also building a foundation and strength to move forward. A very specific thank you to my bestest best. Over a visit home on Easter weekend she gifted me one of the most thoughtful, meaningful gifts I ever could have asked for. A small clear pendant holding three forget-me-not seeds. We planted three seeds last year that for whatever reason were unable to grow at the time, and now hang around my neck and close to my heart.

Necklace from DeeplySeeded on Etsy

I know that I am strong and I know our story will find it’s happy ending. The journey isn’t what I expected, but I’m doing my best to appreciate the journey and the present moment until we find our way into the next chapter.

Until then.. I’ll keep keeping on and doing my best to bring you style content but if you’d like more of this journey, I’m working on filming it to share more soon on my YouTube channel ❤

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