dirty dirty 30

I’ve been 30 years old for a little over a week now. Nobody really talks about the emotional turmoil that comes with this new coming of age… or maybe they do and I’ve just never paid attention because for the past 5 years I’ve been 25 forever. Maybe I’m in denial, but the reality of 30 has been settling in for the past few weeks and I’m still not sure what to do with it. Perhaps that’s why I’m back here, revisiting this space that I’ve neglected for far too long (that’s another post in and of itself). So hello again fellow tall (and not so tall) friends.

Part of me expected 30 to be big. I probably set myself up when I went away last year.. 29 on October 29th in Mexico was the perfect way to celebrate my champagne birthday (I vlogged my trip: HERE). In theory, this year should have been bigger and better, no? But I think subconsciously, even though part of me felt like being over the top and extravagant for my 30th, I also didn’t want to make a big deal out of this milestone.

When I was younger, my vision of myself and my life at this age was much different than what it ACTUALLY looks like. This is a hard one to swallow. I figured that of COURSE by 30 I’ll have a solid career, a small family, a regular schedule…… of course…
So why would I want to celebrate when so many of those big “life” things are still works in progress?

….the reality of being 30 and having no direction for a solid career is what eats me up the most. Saying that out loud.. putting that on the internet.. is maybe even scarier. Whenever someone asks “So what do you do?” I have a rolodex of answers I cycle through before I decide which one is appropriate for that individual, because I figure the 30 year old waitress who sometimes models, sometimes livestreams, sometimes blogs, occasionally cosplays, sings behind closed doors, sometimes “influences” and generally just exists in a positive manner, isn’t something everyone can really get on board with. It’s also not something that is sustainable long term.

But that’s who I am at the moment. That’s what I do. AND, to top it off, I’m 30 now. *gulp*

Sighhh. Even my face seems to be reminding me that time is never on our side but I’ve decided to fight back and jump on the Botox bandwagon. I never thought I’d be the type to start putting needles into my face, but then again, I hadn’t turned 30 yet. Now I get it and I’m a complete advocate (within reason of course). Slowly reversing the 11’s that have been making their home between my eyebrows is the most magical decision I’ve ever made. I also just got my lips plumped for the 2nd time (the first time was back in March).. age has been taking it’s toll on my upper lip and I’m not about to let those lip wrinkles get too comfortable.

While most of my mood at the moment seems to be all doom and gloom, I’ve also never been happier than I currently am. Despite the fact that I’m aging. Despite the fact that I have many jobs but no career. Despite my lack of financial security. Despite the fact that my maternal clock is ticking. Despite ALL of those societal pressures that get pushed upon us every day..

I’m coming up on 5 years with the love of my life. We have an adorable home and two perfect fur babies together. I’m supported by him more than I’ve ever even dreamed in a partner, and get excited when I think about all the adventures we’ve yet to go on.
I’m surrounded by so many inspiring and loving people in my life and have been presented with so many cool opportunities because of it. I have the freedom to go and do as I please with an extremely flexible job that also gives me the freedom to put my time into other things and projects that come my way. Also, I was a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to my personal style, but as you’ve probably seen over the last few years, I think I’ve finally come into my own. The more I look at it, I feel like I’ve got all the ingredients in my life to make it into something I’ve always wanted, I was just looking at the wrong recipe..

Maybe 30 won’t be so bad.


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